| I’ve cemented who I’ve become by a single
moment. Defined by the actions of an old mirrored perspective – a child
wrought with frustration, needing a selfish moment – a selfish
aggression. I couldn’t have been older than six at the latest…I’ve taken
in that moment, to never again forget the repercussions of my selfish
intention.
A moment changed forever the disposition of my mental prescription –
an instance of violence – the time I kicked an old tree behind my
grandmother’s house, to see a bird crash – struggling in that moment
for existence, the moment my foot left the bark of that old tree
spirit.
Have you ever held a dying stranger in your arms,
no level of communication besides the anguish and pain of thinking
you’re the reason, the single cause of their destruction? Can you
imagine the level of grief experienced in that occurrence –
Rushing, holding, praying, hoping – anything
but this I was screaming… Slow pulses, a failing heart, struggling,
breathing - slow movements – sending echoes of life down my hand into
the ache of my still rushing and beating heart. This isn’t what I
wanted, I was saying – snot pouring, tears falling, hands shaking,
life fleeting. I buried a part of myself with that bird, that day
in the sand - the sun my silent watcher, listening to my vows, a
promise given – to find us flying… a resolution to amend and give… to
find us lifted…
Years later, stumbling on beaches, I came across
another deserted resemblance, a bird – dead and abandoned. I fled my
friends, held it tenderly, softly, as if it kept breathing. Buried it
under the green leaves, and under delusions of the moment, envisioned
pulsing back my own life within it – no hesitation, giving up
everything, just so that it could awaken…
Pick apart my essence, tear down my conscious, rip
down my dreams and place them inside this being. If I could, I’d tear
down everything that made me, and place each of them into everybody who
was crying – drying, slowly fading. If I could I would never hesitate
to break my spirit, if it gave somebody the courage, the strength of
movement.
It’s been my hardest lesson, knowing I can’t help
you how I’ve wanted. Looking back, I realize that child had no power
over nature, the trunk of that tree twice the size of my body. But as
children, we see no distinction. I still feel the vibrations of that
life echoing throughout me…
I’ll never stop trying… saving birds… In my dreams
I burst apart – it doesn’t matter if nobody believes me. One day I’ll
find a way – fly away, find myself floating, soaring – with every bird
that’s ever fallen. ------------------------------------- I've started writing again - I post most of my stuff on HubPages. This is the most emotional piece i wrote - i kept writing while writing it, I just couldn't stop... remembering how it all felt, and how it still feels now.
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